sail away …

sail away …

* a fictional story

As I sit here staring out the window I find myself savouring this piece of chocolate. I let it gently melt, pleading it to linger … and I then, SNAP! back to reality. I don’t want this taste or daydream to come to an end. My life is imploding around me and I don’t want to face it. I want to push ‘STOP’ … ‘REWIND’ … anything to take this pain away.

When I think back, it began to take shape on a blue sky day. I was running with Susan. Every Tuesday we ran together and after years of sharing our dreams, hopes and fears while running around the lake, I suddenly heard her perspective on adultery take 180 degree turn. As I challenged her, and we happily bantered back and forth, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my heart was about to be ripped out of my chest …

I couldn’t quite place why but our conversation haunted me … I found myself wondering why the sudden change. I knew that she was cheating … it was the only thing that made sense. But if that were the case, why was she trying so hard to have me understand her perspective?

A few days later my husband Derek and I were having Susan and her husband Jerry over for dinner. I was in the throws of making Susan a birthday cake – our favourite, annual flourless chocolate cake. It was a staple that brought us great joy and chocolategasms alike. My husbands phone vibrated as it sat alone on the counter. I could see the red heart emoticons from across our kitchen. I thought I’d take a look to see what our daughter Hayley was saying. As I looked at the text, my heart crashed into my stomach … “I can’t wait to see you” was surrounded by a plethora of red heart emoticons.

This is the moment. The moment I discovered that my husband of 17 years was being unfaithful. And I was a few days away from learning that he and my “best friend” had been having a lustful romance for the past two years. All under my nose, right in front of me. The moments flashed through my memory and left me feeling sick to my stomach.  All of the times I went running, shopping, and for coffee with Susan she was screwing my husband! Never mind the number of times he and I have made love, held hands and gone on holidays in the past two years … what an incredible deception.

And now he wants me to join him on a counselling quest. Where we can spend thousands of dollars so that we can say “we tried”. I’ll be honest, there is a piece of me that wants to buy in. Loosing him scares the hell out of me and I can’t help but wonder if  I haven’t already lost him. I want to be able to look our children in the eyes and tell them that I did all that I could do – that I fought for their father and our marriage. And after a few weeks of feeling lost, empty, sick and angry as hell I came to accept the fact that he is still seeing her.

I surface between feeling empty. Literally empty. And other times I feel like I am stuck on a merry-go-round and I just can’t make it stop – hence the constant nausea. How can I possibly fight for this marriage? How in the hell did I end up marrying a man who had the capacity to do this? How did this happen? How did I not see this happening? What was my part in all of this?

This is it. This is the gem, the take away. This is what MUST come of this horrible, heart breaking turn of events … The together is over and done, this is all me now. I need to do what I can so that I don’t fall in love with this person again. I need to understand my part in all of this. I need to tap into what truly attracted me to him. His charm and good looks definitely caught my attention … what made me stay? what made me want more? The relationship was clearly very broken …

I hereby promise myself to figure this out so that I can fall into love again. A love that feeds us mutually, respectfully and willingly.  I choose not to wake up on another sinking ship … I would much rather roar across the waves on a strong, dependable single hull.

– love thyself